Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
My immediate thought about this step, when I got to it, was dominated by the phrases “…conscious contact with God…” and “…His will for us…” Like, what the fuck? How does an atheist even approach this step? I was really tempted to simply nod at it and pass it by. I mean, it didn’t apply to me.
Then I looked at it some more and realized that there is a usefulness to me in it in my daily life and on my road to recovery. Ignoring the God part I saw a suggestion to allow the universe its ‘space.’ Things happen. Things don’t happen. I don’t control things and accepting that fact is key in finding a healthy emotional balance. I am human and have human wants and desires but the universe is not beholden to supplying these things. It is then incumbent on me to either accept the outcomes or suffer.
This required a less egocentric view of the universe. I needed to realize that the world is big and impersonal. There isn’t a defined storyline or throughput where I’m the protagonist (or the antagonist). I’m part of a larger whole and my spiritual function is to relate to that whole whole-heartedly.
I was told an analogy by a friend the other day. He, in his older years, has lost the physical ability to play his favorite sports due to painful knees. Instead of hair-pulling, whining and wailing he found another way to remain active- rowing.
He’s part of a ‘Masters’ crew that generally pulls an eight person scull. He has settled into this after realizing that he can’t lead/be the star/be independent. He is part of a team that is more efficient when all pull together- literally. Any individual either before or behind the pace will either slow the boat down or start it veering off-line. His place is in concert with the crew and this changes the pressure by changing the spotlight. He is no better or worse than the others on the boat- but he is JUST as important.
I’ve tried to take this lesson into my everyday life. When I’m in the room, I’m just a (or another) person in the room. When I’m in a conversation I’m no more or less important than the other person involved. I don’t need to walk away from encounters thinking, “nailed it!” I need to walk away from encounters believing that I eased another person’s day.
Circling back on the step I was also struck by the usage of the past tense here. “Sought” versus “seek.” This isn’t a one-time event for me. This is a daily reminder to be, as Walt Whitman suggested, “curious and not judgmental.” I don’t know what I don’t know. I only find out by being curious. If I pre-judge a person or situation then I don’t allow growth. I need to continue to seek experiences, not answers or validation. It’s the difference between using an encyclopedia (remember those?) to learn something and using it to prove a point.
So, then how to parse ‘prayer and mediation?’ Meditation, in Christian tradition is very different from that in the secular. It seems to me that Christian meditation is an attempt to still the mind to hear the voice of God and follow that voice. In secular meditation, at least for me, I’m trying to clear my mind of any thoughts and just be present with my body without judgment. To let the brain do brain things without action.
So, rather than a like for like, meditation is very different. Reflection (self- and situation-specific) is probably a more accurate analogue. Spending time to reflect on my actions- both before and after an event- allows me to discover my motives and leads me in the direction of modifying my actions. If my motivation is self-preservation, then from what? Why? Was it the best action? If more nefarious (anger, hurt or validation) then why that response? What lies underneath the feeling? Can that be modified in a different way?
Moving on. Ugh. ‘…conscious contact with God…’ What do I do with this? Reflecting on it I realized that this is me being open to experience. Further, as I get older, I realize that my experiences boil down to what I make of them. Rather than predetermining an emotional response (this is gonna suck! I can’t believe I have to drive that far) I can be open and await the experiences that come from the journey.
I also have to refrain from disappointment at the emotional outcome in the moment. Not every event is transcendent. A concert is just a concert. A game is just a game. I can enjoy it without mixing it with the surrounding milieu- the awful traffic, the drunk fan, the stilted conversation. By worrying about the traffic after a game I miss the game itself- my body is there but my mind is on some unknowable future.
Whenever I project into the future and imagine the process I’m wrong. Explaining or defending myself to a higher up, going to a game, flying on a plane, traveling in a car never goes the way I pre-planned. So why preplan it?
The same goes for events in the past. In an attempt to mollify my conscience there have been times that I ‘re-wrote the narrative’ to make my culpability less. This doesn’t change the outcome in any way, shape or form but I used it to feel better about not being perfect. I’m striving to let my mistakes be just that- mistakes. Not a definition of me.
On to ‘the strength to carry that out.’ On the face of my beliefs this seems superfluous and without use. But, in reality, it is a very important part of my journey. My proclivities toward ego-centrism, self-centeredness, façade protection and search for validation haven’t gone away- and likely won’t. They are too ingrained.
The strength I need is to not be subservient to those impulses. To NOT view the world as ‘true’ only from my point of view. To refrain from “I wonder what they think of me” or “I wish they’d make me feel better about myself” and work toward, “how can I make their day better?”
So, in finale, I’ve basically re-written this step to be more pro-active and from moment to moment. I seek to improve my relation to the universe by taking not forcing my viewpoint and will on my perception of its outcomes. I strive to remain curious and not judgmental of myself and others.
I’ll tell you how it goes.
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