Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Nirvana. Peace. Calm. Tranquility.
Ram Dass (I think) is credited with saying “we are spiritual beings having a human experience.” There is a Buddhist belief that it is possible to (either temporarily or permanently) become one with the universe. There is a Christian belief that when one ‘walks with God’ peace and tranquility follow. AA has ‘let go and let God’ signifying a tranquil path.
I was skeptical of the concept of a ‘spiritual awakening.’ When outlined in the Blue Book it focusses on God and church. An epiphanic moment that brings it all together. I’ve come to believe that it really means a state of increased awareness of those and that around me. A change in my perception and world-view.
This was a slow process- and by no means steady or easy. I had a lot of issues to address and accept on the way- largely internal but significant external ones, as well.
I had to focus on the loss my my career and the ‘status’ and built in respect that goes with it. I had to deal with the blowing up of the façade of perfection I had tried vainly cultivating over the years. I had to address the crippling anxieties I had with being seen as ‘less-than’ in my mind. I also had to deal with the self-centeredness that both created and augmented these anxieties and led to my isolation because I believed I had no one that would understand- or even care. The fall-out was tremendous and threatened to overwhelm me like a tsunami.
Then the pendulum swings. I started feeling more comfortable and ‘BOOM!’ back on my heels. I had to fight the feeling of having ‘figured it out.’ I had to come to terms with- and accept- that each challenge/opportunity was unique. There may be similarities between this situation and another but each challenge is unique. A coping mechanism or response that worked in the past may not work now because variables may have very slightly changed. I also had to learn that others had the right to inconsistency. Their responses are dependent on their outlook and their current stressors.
I fought the ‘there should be more’ feeling as much as anything else. Give me a hug? I want more – a kiss, a stroke, sex. Instead of settling in to the moment I was on to the next one. Not unlike the proverbial hiker that focuses on the campsite and misses the terrain. Learning that intimacy is two-sided was a hard lesson. I realized that what I sought I had to give.
I’m learning. Learning to accept without judgment and with curiosity. Listening to others as if I’m allowing my mind to be changed.
Learning to let the past be just that – passed. ‘Live and learn’ can’t be an empty aphorism- it is the core value I hold on to. I can be informed by the past but I can’t relive it or re-adjudicate it. There are lessons there but by definition that isn’t here.
That thought that, ‘if only this happened I’d be happy?’ is a self-inflicted wound. That ensures I’m not happy right now because I’m starting to search for it so I don’t have it. Instead, sitting in a moment and being grateful for the experience has become my goal. I’m not always successful but I am more often than not.
The future is unknowable. I can plan but I must adapt. Learning to be comfortable in that adaptation is my goal. To ‘roll with the punches’ and simply adjust. No fuss, no muss. Expectations are just resentments in training. I remember times I expected an outcome that didn’t happen and I sat and stewed and suffered. Self-inflicted. My old self simply stopped expecting and participating. I was protecting myself. When you expect the worst that’s what happens. ‘I don’t wanna go to that, it’s gonna suck.’ Predetermined misery.
Judgment kills all. This versus that. Tall versus short. High versus low. Everything has scale. ‘Wasn’t too bad- better than a sharp stick to the eye.’ A negative lens that creates a negative outcome. Rather than be joyful for the opportunities the day may present I’d focus on the lack of sleep or the problems ahead. Prejudging the day was a struggle.
There are still elements of this for me. A habit is just that- habit. This makes me human and is good for me. I’m part of the universe. Learning to listen without piling on, judging or one-upping. Letting the moment be. Letting the moment breathe.
The ye and urge is still there. To go off. To shelter and protect. Right NOW that feeling is minor because I recognize it (most of the time) and actively course correct. But habits do what habits do and the famous last words of an addict of any kind is “I got this.”
So, how do I carry this message? And, to whom? I could go to AA meetings and talk about my process in anonymity in three minute spurts for an hour a day. I could go to rehab centers and tell my ‘life story’ to give back knowing that the audience’s perceptions would range from addled to dismissive to ‘all-in.’ There are subtleties in this that are likely too obscure for the nascent person of recovery.
When I was in rehab I was struck by the theme of epiphanies. Every exercise was novel to me. Basic building blocks that I struggled to define. I left rehab ‘prepared for change.’ Or, so I thought. In reality, the changes were important but small and incomplete. It came down to me to continue and apply these to my burned down edifice of a life. I hadn’t even realized he extent of the damage. How could I repair it?
In the beginning every little thing was a huge setback and catastrophe. I’d failed. I had little faith in myself, in my perception, in my worth. It has taken me nearly another two years to get to where I am now. I’m grateful for the journey and hope it continues.
So, I give back by living. By experiencing and sharing. By listening openly and without judgment. By accepting the world and acknowledging that my view of it is just that- my view and I don’t know all of the angles. By celebrating the uniqueness of my experiences- I’m the only one to see what I see in the way that I see it. By accepting my loved ones for what and who they are- in that moment. Creating an environment of safety and comfort.
There isn’t a way for me to wrap this up neatly. I’ve come to the end of the steps and my experiences with them. My hope for me and you is to continue exploring. To continue learning. To continue loving without judgment and accepting that fear is a part of that process.
To be me. Smelly, sweaty and fragile. Beautiful, intelligent and curious.
To be human.
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