It’s been a while since I’ve sat down at the computer and written. To be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve put much philosophical thought into anything. I’ve kind of been drifting. Vacillating between knowing what the right thing is to do and making selfish, bad decisions.
I’m not sure why, even. Not much has changed and things seem to be going the right direction. Am I destined to get in my own way all of the time? Can I not sit with my discomfort and learn from the experience? Each time it happens it’s like a shitty cover version of my worst hits.
It’s not that I don’t care- I perhaps care too much- it’s that I don’t know how to deal with all of the little disappointments and seeming emotional slights. My need to feel important and wanted is overwhelming at times. Unwarranted as it may be, it is there. It both stops me from doing and prompts me to mis-do.
Like an eight year old I struggle with a world that doesn’t immediately reward good. I don’t know why I was compelled to write that- it isn’t tremendously germane- I’m certainly not a saint. I feel like I’m an afterthought in so many people’s lives that I’m surprised I’m thought of at all.
That’s not fair- I’ve no idea what their thoughts are. I realize this- but still. There is that feeling. There’s so much beauty around me that I fail to grasp or to see. I’m good at a lot of things but not great at any. That’s a blow at the age of fifty five.
I’m going to take the afternoon to find what gives me joy and work on that. That seems to be the only way out of whatever hole I’ve dug.
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