Perseveration X

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

I remember looking at this step and thinking, “Man, that looks hard.” Then you read the Blue Book and you get the feeling it’s all good afterwords. More often than not there is absolution. Hugs and kisses and forgiveness.

But I know I’ve been an asshole.

I know how awful I’ve been. Only I truly know all of the shitty things I’ve done and am holistically disappointed in myself. I’m the one that looks in the mirror and…

Me, me, me, me, me, I, I, I, I

This is the problem for me with this step. It involves being willing to understand that I’m not the focus of it.

The rubber now has to hit the road. I have to take my new and abstract self-insights and translate them into real terms. I have to apply them to people.

To other people.

For every woman I could find that I used for gratification and pleasure I had to come clean. For every partner, wife, kid, friend…hell, family and enemies.

All manner of people.

This list became longer and longer and longer. It became more intimidating. I already felt like an absolute shithead going into this list and now? Now, it was worse.

I felt like my whole lifetime was mistake after mistake. Failure upon failure. Lie upon lie. Instead of correcting course I changed destination. I was adrift and aimless.

Getting read to face these people meant truly facing me. Truly understanding how I let my fears and anxieties override my life.

Cue the anxiety: How do I start? How many of them? Hurt them how? Legal issues? Liability issues? Do I go 1/2 now and 1/2 later? 3/4? Most? All?

-All. All was the answer. I was standing at the base of a mountain that I created and claimed to have discovered. There was no way around it anymore. I needed to climb this mountain.

I had a burning desire to show people how much I learned about myself so I thought I’d start with the low-hanging fruit.

There was a nagging in the back of my brain, however. Like I felt like I missed something. No matter how many times I’d tell myself that I was ready to go and I wanted to start, something held me back. Something was keeping me from being truly ‘willing.’

That was me accepting me as I am and was. I wasn’t ready to be rejected by those from whom I sought forgiveness or understanding. I wasn’t prepared for the fact that life wasn’t going to be suddenly smooth and easy now that I no longer drank.

I was still hypercritical of myself. I hadn’t let my past be past me.

I decided to proceed anyway. I’m not sure that was the right thing to do.