Step 7: Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.
Ugh. The dreaded “Him.” Hard to avoid “Him” from here on out, I guess. At the time I confronted this step I was so vehemently atheist I was anti-theist. I couldn’t see the value in a belief in the supernatural. While I still don’t believe, I understand the comfort it brings to others. This is, however, my work and I can’t subcontract it out.
The fact that “asking Him” basically means prayer (or meditation) was what I focused on. I could do that. I could meditate on what my life had become and what my part in that was.
At the time I saw that this step was unhealthy for me on it’s face. If I literally stopped at “asking Him/it/the universe” then the hard yards wouldn’t happen. If I expect years of interactions and responses that have been grooved into me like a record to simply change because I want them to? I’ll fail.
And I’ll keep failing.
I wanted this to stick. This trauma was life altering, right? Let’s make it for the better. How do I keep from failing? How do I not have fear? How do I not need validation? How do I not feel alone?
The true answer to those last three questions is- I can’t. These are physiological responses. The emotions occur physically first and foremost. I feel the danger and fear prior to even having supratentorial response to it. My lizard brain responds chemically and my evolved brain delas with the chemistry.
But that answer isn’t the part to spend time on. The question is. The questions are simply coming from the wrong place.
My shortcomings aren’t physiological responses that are fear, feeling insignificant or feeling alone (i.e., emotions). Those are all normal emotions. It’s the responses that have been wrong. I feel fear? Lie, cheat, steal. Make it all safe for a moment. Feel insignificant? Find a way to feel important, wanted or loved (affair, life of the party, love bomb). Feel alone? See above.
So, having determined that my shortcomings are due to my responses to normal emotions (or if not ‘normal’ than ‘personal and permanent’) I needed to examine those responses.
My fear led to shutting down and being angry and not listening to others. My ego was hurt and bruised and I lashed out. Instead I need to listen to my fear and understand what it is I’m afraid of. Fear of bruised ego? why? With whom? Fear of failure- or perception of failure? Why is that important? Does it really change the situation if I insist I’m right when it’s possible I’m not or that being right doesn’t matter?
Alone does not mean lonely. Alone with me and my thoughts was always uncomfortable because I made it that way. I was critical of my thoughts and actions. Not productive or weighty? Not world altering? Wasting time. Feel bad about it. If I spent an entire weekend watching TV and I was asked what I did all weekend I would lie and talk about being active. Why?
Okay, so having focused on shortcomings I needed to get off my high-horse and deal with it humbly.
Humble/humility comes from the Latin word for “dirt or earth.” It was meant to convey looking at something from a position of supplication. Looking up and aspiring to a position. Humility is a “self” action. Humiliation is when it is done to you. One has inherent use, the other can but might not.
The thing about humility is that it requires looking outward. To have an eccentric perception- to look outward. When a person is described as “humble” they are being described as a willing part of a larger whole. A “humble” ball player is one that actively supports the team. There are those that lead by demanding perfection and others that, while exceptional, lead by inclusion. There are elements of both in life. Sometimes I’m tasked with being the leader by demanding and others where I can lead by example- the example of team player.
Anyway, the point is to be humble is to get away from my self-centered point of view. To realize that I may not be equipped to figure out how to respond. I have figured out what not to do, sure, but there are an infinite number of possibilities for what to do. The comfort of a known devil is sometimes more alluring than an unknown angel. There is a story I heard about a Buddhist monk riding a horse headlong down the road. “Where are you going at such a rate?” He was asked. The monk stared at the questioner and smiled, “Wherever the horse wants.” My emotions were the horse and I was going where they took me, no thoughts at the destination or the journey.
Now, bear in mind, this was still early in my journey with these steps and the change in my mindset. I was focused on finding the right way to respond to every situation. I was looking to avoid being wrong. Iwas bad at interpersonal relationships and communication because I was selfish. I was looking for the way to not be selfish and to always respond correctly. Sounds humble, no? Asking the universe to make me perfect.
I had to come to grips with my emotions. I need to learn self-worth and self-support. I needed to foster community. Most of all, though, I realized that I needed to understand my motives for my poor responses. I needed to realize that the germ of my shortcomings were these motives. I needed to ask “why” repeatedly. I needed to uleash my inner toddler.
On reflection and humble mediation this is what I came to believe: my poor responses were in direct response to my personal learned experience. My motivations were self-succor and the perception of being perfect. Basically, I was protecting my vision of myself- my ego- that I’d crafted over the years.
The irony? I created that ego out of negatives.
My self perception has been crafted on all the things I feel like I “can’t” do well and I paper over those with half-truths. I’ve done some amazing things in my life, and I’m a bright and funny guy. I’m reasonably good looking and friendly. I can be warm and a good listener. I can be cold and aloof. I love music and have an interesting ear for alternative music. I have a memory for esoteric facts and trivia. I love word games and have a facility with language. I have a decent ear and can mimic accents.
See how those are all in the positive? The way I saw myself was like this: my life has been a series of lucky chances and upward failure. I’ve half-assed my way to where I am. I’ve been told I’m intelligent but all I can see is how stupid I am when it comes to certain subjects. I have a receding hairline and my nose has been broken several times. I’m overweight and undermuscled. No one takes the time to talk to me so I have to fake it when someone does talk to me. I’m so socially inept that I have to use the primary school tools of listening to seem engaging. If I’m sitting by myself no one will care. I failed at playing piano and I’m so stupid that I can’t remember simple things like band names or years or albums. I suck at reading journals and synthesizing my own point of view from them so I just don’t- I learn through others and trial and error. I’m only funny when I’m making fun of other people, I can’t make an anecdote funny.
And so on.
The point is I’d been describing myself by all the things I felt I wasn’t. I still find myself doing it. How often do I start an answer with: “Well, it’s not a mansion…” or, “Well, my soccer prime was years ago…” Describing a room by describing all the things not in it is a bad way to paint a picture.
It’s also not conducive to establishing a “self” or ego. Over time I’d created an “anti-ego” and lived with that as my focus.
(Full disclosure here, I’ve written out notes and developed the concepts about humility and shortcomings. This is literally the first time I’ve realized how I defined myself over my lifetime. As a series of things missing or as an “absence”– I like the concept of an ‘anti-ego’ and will be playing with that further down the road).
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