Home. Hometown. “I’m heading home.”
The movies, books and songs from my youth all made it seem as though home was everything. The ideal. The end-all-be-all. If you didn’t feel comfortable and safe with your family then…well, where could you feel safe and comfortable.
I have very distinct memories of not being able to get out of town. To get away and ‘make it.’ To be the big shot. Fame. Renown.
A literal or figurative rockstar.
To do that, though, I would have had to risk failure. To. NOT make it. I didn’t have that kind of courage or fortitude.
Oh, I could (and would) fake it. Punk rock music and attitude? Check. Punk lifestyle. Nope. Christian values and aesthetic? When in public. Privately? Nope
I would morph and transfigure myself into whatever fit the mold of where I was. I’d be a contortionist and look to be ideal. Anything short of that was a failure. Stack enough failures up? That’s how I ended up self-identifying. No matter the external achievements.
I struggle a bit with this still. I’ve lost weight and am in better shape than several months ago. I’m disappointed when people I haven’t seen in a while don’t mention it. I’m very happy with the accomplishment but…
It’s the same with what’s going on now. My dad had major surgery two days ago. I’m in town fulfilling my filial duty. I want to be here for my mother and father but…I don’t know how to act and so I think I’m acting wrong.
My dad had a rough evening last night…confused and a bit belligerent. I was talking to the nurse and realized that duty called me to drive into the hospital and my immediate thought surrounded how tired I was going to be in the morning. How much of an inconvenience it was to ME.
I was embarrassed by that emotion. That attitude. That selfishness. Not very enlightened. Not very humble. Not very loving. Thankfully I didn’t have to go all the way in and I had a good night’s sleep to taxi my mother around.
Now…the old me would have felt that having those thoughts are a sign of failure on my part. I did feel that- albeit briefly- but have since learned to ask the question, “Why?”
1: I was tired and in bed and it is a normal reaction to not want to disrupt that.
2. There is a history between me and my dad that truthfully can’t be ignored. I own my part in the distance between us…largely surrounds his ongoing critique and criticism in an honest attempt to ‘improve’ me as I was growing up. I internalized this criticism as being a failure.
3. My hypersensitivity to my emotions and actions and- more importantly- how I think they are being perceived. I fight the compulsion to hide my thoughts and feelings if I think they are at all ‘weak’ or ‘inappropriate.’
A new day today. New issues and new challenges. A world to enjoy and learn and grow. That’s what last night was.
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