Perseveration X

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Okay. I’ve just spent the past several hours staring at a blank wall and meticulously documenting all of my relationships- I feel as though I can see the beginnings of a theme here (me!) and I’m feeling very much like a failure and like an absolute shit of a human being.

As an atheist the last thing I wanted was to tell “God” these things. First, I believe there isn’t a God and second, well…I felt very silly. Seems as though the “God” and “Themselves (read: myself) portions of the step could me melded, no?

Um…In a word, no.

Not if I wanted to do it right. I was nowhere near prepared to tell another person about any of these relationships or my feelings about them because….well, have I mentioned I was an emotional kindergartner? Up until then I was operating within one single emotion: anger.

So, my discussion with God was actually a meditation. I sat with each relationship and turned it over and over in my mind. Whenever I felt a justification start to arise I would back away and look again. “Yeah, but she said…” turned into I gave her no grace or room to say anything else. Her yelling at me and arguing was because I didn’t give her the grace and space to operate with comfort and safety.

The main thing that “God” is supposed to give is a lack of judgment of the person (there is a shit-ton of judgment of the actions, of course). So my goal was to meditate on each instance without judgment. I did those things. I did them to protect this part of myself (ego, money, etc). I can’t undo them but I can attempt to understand them to endeavor to find ways to not do again in the future.

Also, it was clear that I needed to become comfortable with the ‘fact’ that these responses were a part of my learned behaviors and would take time to unlearn. I needed to separate action, words and inaction from thought. The first three have karma (cause and effect) whereas my thoughts are my own and have no external manifestation unless I allow it.

The next as the conversation I had to have with myself. I needed to take the time to really distill the problems down to their basic issue. Each relationship or problem taken individually doesn’t show a trend or yield any concrete information. When I sat with each and every failed relationship (including the current marriage because I was in rehab, after all) I realized that I’d been right all along. The problem was with me.

I failed to trust others with my true self. My angers, lies, behaviors, using and most arguments occurred because I was trying to protect an ego. The good things I was doing for others? I was doing for recognition and for ‘banking good will’ for the future. So I could say when told I failed as a spouse that I did this and that and you’re not giving me credit.

I used women sexually. That was a difficult one. This predated the affairs but certainly continued through it. I needed the touch of a woman to feel like I had use as a human being. I used sex as validation. I had no respect for myself so didn’t save that portion of me for someone that wanted me to have it as part of a larger relationship. If I was feeling down or disconnected or generally feeling like shit I didn’t try to interact with my wife emotionally. I didn’t trust her enough to be that vulnerable with her. that’s not her fault. She couldn’t make me trust her (obviously). Now, I’m not saying that she went out of her way to foster the milieu where both of us could be ourselves (I think we were both too terrified of that) but I didn’t either. I spent too much time protecting my ego and the façade of perfection that I’d created that I had no energy or inclination to be vulnerable.

One final thought on the ‘self’ portion of this. I also became aware of the lingering and unexplored issues that persisted. The obvious trajectory of each and every argument. I would steer toward what I was comfortable with and wouldn’t explore what I wasn’t.

Okay. Now I have to tell another person. In AA this is with a sponsor who’s been through it him- or her-self. They believe in the catharsis and the understanding. They are standing on the other side of the wall that you are resolutely trying to climb without ropes or help. The good sponsor is the one that listens to each and every tale and story- often hours on end- keeping mental notes and clarifying where necessary. Letting the teller of the tales finish their story. For it is their story. There may be similarities and differences, but those are unimportant at this juncture.

I was an emotional wreck as I was doing this. I was aware that I was in a common room and across a plastic table from my sponsor as he drank his soda. I was torn and expressed to him early on that my inclination was to fight to protect my ego and either sugarcoat the issues or…and this is an oddity I’ve really not had time to explore yet…take on more of the issue than is really mine.

So…I explained my using women for sex. I explained my protecting my ego and lying, affairs (many) and money issues. I described in excruciating detail all of the ways I was wrong…quid pro quo relationships, trying to mold my children into perfect to protect my image. How I didn’t have time for trust in other people. I only remember him saying once, “wow, that seems to be a real issue for you.”

I didn’t know what to expect when I was finished. I didn’t know if I was supposed to feel a catharsis. If the heavens would open and angels would sing, ‘hallelujah!’ or if the devil would arrive and tell me to follow him. I thought that when I was done my sponsor would have some sort of insight.

I was disappointed at the time because I thought he didn’t. I mean, he literally just looked at me and asked, “is that it?” When I affirmed that it was he asked me a couple of clarifying questions. It was through this that I really concentrated on the protection of ego part of me. The protection of the projected perfect me.

“Good. It sounds like you’re starting to get a handle on this.” With that he stood and gathered his things. I walked him and out and he drove off.

It wasn’t until later that I realized a few things:

1. He lived forty minutes away and took time out of his evening with his wife and family to spend that time with me
2. He intentionally didn’t try to ‘pick me up.’ He knew then what I know now. I needed to sit in that awful feeling. I needed to see that something different needed to happen.
3. By not making it a big deal he was making a point. This is just a part of life and growing up.
4. The steps aren’t crescendo and decrescendo. There isn’t a feeling of relief at the end. They are a tool for the willing to move forward and to question their existence and relationships.

At the end of this step the gift I was given was the knowledge that I was broken. The acceptance that I was both human and fallible. It was the beginning of seeing what I see now.

But that didn’t crystallize for me until later…much later.