A lovely part of this journey of mine- surrendering a lucrative career mid-stream- is the large debt that has accumulated because of it. Over the course of the past several years and because of short-sighted (blind?) decisions I owe a large amount of money to several people and the federal government (parent loans).
We’re talking monopoly money amounts. I can’t afford 30K let alone the (near) million dollars that I’m being called to pay.
To be fair, this was all going on when I was working, too. I kept extending and extending and extending until the branch broke. I ignored the possible negative consequences of my actions- I mean, it’ll work out, right?
Not ignoring it now.
The anxiety has been overwhelming at times. If this had happened a year ago? Before quitting drinking and rehab? I’d be drinking right now and becoming more isolated. Crawling farther and farther into my hovel. I wouldn’t let my wife, my family, my friends know. Further and further into negativity. More and more bad decisions to feel better. Physically and emotionally. Looking in the mirror and telling myself that I’m living in the prison of my own making and I just need to accept that.
There’s power in the confessional. I don’t believe in God but I believe that fellowship is important. A burden shared…
To deal with the anxiety I remind myself that I have quite a bit to be anxious about and it’s okay. I observe the emotion and let it happen. I grieve. I rant. I rail. I feel.
Feeling the dark ravine of this despondency has finally allowed me to truly feel the love my wife, my family and my best friend have for me. It’s that that keeps me going. Whereas I was looking for a dark corner to hide in before, I’m searching for the sunlight now. I’m learning to love the mess I am.
I will walk through the other side of this. I have no idea what that will look like- but I believe I’ll like the me I’ll be.
Strike that- I’ll LOVE the me that I’ll be.
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