Perseveration X

Despite the title this isn’t about the need to fill space with words…although it could be.

It isn’t about making promises that you don’t keep…although it sorta is.

It’s about what I’ve decided to label “The Perception Gap.” We’ve all been told that how we perceive ourselves is usually more negative than how others perceive us (unless we’re narcissistic). And that is true in general. This isn’t really about that either, though. At least not for me. Lemme ‘splain…

As I’ve mentioned before, I believe my life has been led (by me, admittedly) in such a way as to preserve a façade of perfection at times, competence at others, proficiency at some, exceptionalism at most. Or a combination of all of the above. Any possible combination that does not show the mess I felt inside of me. I’ve been calling it perfectionism since that’s the buzzword but it’s more along the lines of absolutism. Either perfect or not. Proficient or not. Competent or not. No subtlety. No nuance. But, I digress…

Anyway. The Perception Gap is that gap between how I think I’ve done/performed/acted versus how I wish you to perceive how I’ve done/performed/acted. This gap is telling and useless. It has, however, been a motivator for me- I’m not saying a good motivator. Just a motivator.

Examples going both ways. First, cleaning the bathroom. You ask me to clean the bathroom. I grudgingly agree (I mean, who enthusiastically agrees to this task?) and I go clean the bathroom. I do the task with the aim of completing the task. No regard whatever to the outcome. No I dilly and I dally- move rather slowly through the task to eat up time. If I finish too soon you’ll ask me to do something else…heaven forfend!

I complete the task. I tell you it’s done. Now, I know full-well that I haven’t put my best effort forward in cleaning the bathroom. But I’m going to present my accomplishment as something more than completing the task. Simply because I want you to be impressed with the effort. The “Perception Gap” lies between the two. In other words, PG = PofE – AE (where PG is perception gap, PofE Presentation of effort and AE is actual effort). Too wide a gap and dissonance occurs. The next time you use that bathroom I’m now worried you’ll see the slapdash effort I’ve put out. I’ve got my excuses ready and on hand. You don’t say anything? “Woo!” I think, “Got away with it.” This is dangerous because now my standard may have slipped. Either way, there’s a dishonesty (mainly to myself) that’s fostered here.

Apply this a different way, people think I’m a good guy. I’m seen at church, at my kids’ games- coaching some of them. I act as a bon vivant and “hail! and well-met!” is my motto. What I know is I’m going through the motions. I don’t enjoy church and don’t believe. Although I enjoy coaching I’m basically just doing the minimum and I’m loud and garrulous to cover up the fact that I don’t feel like I have any intimate friends. Oh, and I’m also drinking too much, having affairs and treating my wife with disrespect. PG = PofE – AE. PofE is pretty positive and high (at least to my addled brain, anyway) and AE is really catastrophically low (to my addled brain) so the PG is vast. Chasmic. We won’t get into staring into that abyss (too many metaphors mixed already) but that dissonance becomes paramount. The need to maintain the distance- to bridge the gap- takes so much energy that it feeds itself. Now I need either to feel better about myself or ignore it so I look for shortcuts (affairs, alcohol, self-aggrandizement). What I don’t realize at the time is that by building the bridge with those activities I always end up short of covering the total distance. So back to more shortcuts…build…shortcuts.

Eventually that implodes. The mea culpa moment. Come clean. Confess to the affairs (just enough to satisfy but hold the real truth in reserve- deny there was an emotional component) minimize the drinking. Cover the lies by lying more. The gap, although smaller, is still too wide. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The PG works the other way, too. Usually with more artistic endeavors but we’ll stick with the bathroom cleaning example. You ask me to clean the bathrooms. I put all of my effort into it and feel it is the best I can do. There are still little spots of staining in the caulking and grout I can’t get out but I tried. I really tried. Now I’m waiting for your response. You don’t say anything (and I perceive a disappointment). In that instance PG = PofE – AE and is a negative number. The gap runs the other direction. I feel as though I’m not good enough and simply stare across the chasm and don’t even try to build a bridge.

That eventually implodes, as well. This is the instance of the “woe is me” breakdown. Where you have to hold me and build me up. Issue is you can’t build me up enough to completely span the distance. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In either scenario, there is no real action. Just excuses, justifications, rationale, raging, desperation. Just talk.

Sounds awful, no? It is. In no direction is there a way out of it– as long as the gold standard is PofE. The only way that PG = 0 is for PofE to equal AE. The ‘P’ of PofE is the important bit. It is variable and I control it. In fact, there is nothing that says I need to farm this out. Why can’t PofE be the same as AE every time? If I use my perception of my effort than honesty will get me to a null gap.

The 5th remembrance of Buddhism basically says this: ‘My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.’ Notice it doesn’t say “the outcomes of my reactions are my only true belongings.” I don’t own the outcome…only the effort and intent. None of us have the ability to attach either of those to the action. Life doesn’t come with footnotes. Well-reasoned and thought out for one person is simply ludicrous or magical to another.

Finally, a bit about best effort. This is goal oriented- and let’s be clear every task or activity by its nature is finite and has an end or goal. “Clean the bathroom” is a goal. “Paint the room” is a goal. “Have a conversation” is a goal. These goals need modifying to allow for an accurate assessment of effort: “I’m going to clean the bathroom so it’s less unsightly for my wife and I” is a significantly different goal than “I’m going to clean the bathroom to improve the chances of selling the house.” They require different levels of effort. “I’m going to paint the room to the best of my ability” versus “I’m going to paint the room so there are perfect lines, no brush strokes and no mistakes.” “I’m going to talk to my wife about my feelings of depression” versus “I’m going to sit and have a pleasant conversation and relax with my wife.” An honest preamble leads to an honest assessment of outcome.

Wow…quite long today. If you made it this far: congratulations? Rambling way to say there is nuance in life. There are nuances in goals. There are nuances in behavior. It’s not black and white.